Transcendental Bloviation

Politics, Space, Japan

Monday, July 19, 2004

Amazing Laser Breakthrough - Quit Smoking!

I should never click on banner ads. Check this out.

Yep, a few licks of cheap low-watt laser and you'll be free of this disgusting tobacco addiction forever. You, too, can be a cherubically happy (albeit still cherubically potbellied) surfer dude like the guy depicted. And he can go back to that same clinic and dump the rubber tire around his middle. The wrinkles in his face? Can do - just say the word (or rather, write the check.)

What's stopping you? Well, LaserTouch charges almost $300 for a 30-minute treatment. Yes, $10 per minute.

Near as I can tell, if this works, all you need to do to self-treat for smoking cessation is (1) buy a laser pointer, (2) get a map of these supposed acupuncture meridian points, and (3) go at it. Well, maybe for certain meridian points, 'going at it' gets a wee bit contortionistic. However, I'm sure an unemployed smoker friend would be willing to endorphin-trigger those hard-to-reach meridians for you, in exchange for the remnants of your last pack. Or if he's got a few more bucks, you could split the cost with him, treat each other, and be surfing later that same day!

I say: DIY. Save yourself some money. Avoid the annoyance of finding the clinic. Best of all, dispense with that part we all hate: having to take your clothes off in front of a patronizingly chirpy stranger in a white coat. Yes, just send me a check for $149.95 plus postage, and I'll send you a laser pointer and a meridian map. Go at it. Should those cravings kick in again for whatever reason, well, you can always suck on the laser pointer. (I sell only shirt-pocket size laser pointers; my LazerQwak-branded pocket protector is an extra $4.99.)

After ridding yourself of this loathsome habit, you can also send away for my instructions on how to do your own European-spa-style skin rejuvenation treatment, how to melt away that ugly flab - melt it away, I tell you! - and more. You'll love the new, free, younger-looking, sexier you.

Also, just think: you'll have a laser pointer! Admit it, you've always wanted one.

It doesn't get better than this. Nine out of ten doctors strongly recommend that you check out my claims. The Committee for Scientific Investigation of Claims into the Paranormal was unequivocal in a recent report: "Interesting new development. We must look into this immediately." John M., a customer in Cincinnati, writes, "I hadno trobble unfolding the maridion map."

Hurry, while supplies last. Not sold in stores. As seen on the Web. Here, anyway.

Batteries not included.


At 3:23 PM, Blogger J said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a Chantix site. It pretty much covers Chantix and related topics.

Come and check it out if you get time ;)

At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Stop Smoking said...

Money can't help you in such problems... you can do it by yourself only without any pills or lasers. You can!

At 2:16 PM, Blogger John Doogan said...

Sounds like a great product to have. All those smokers wanting to quit and can't should give it a go.

At 5:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smoking can hook you because cigarettes contain nicotine which is highly addictive. But being hooked is not an excuse why you cannot quit smoking. Smoking has been proven by several researches to be great threat to one's health that is why there is no reason why one who is already hooked to it should not quit smoking.

At 1:25 AM, Anonymous chantix said...

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At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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